Wisely Crazy Spirit Medicine

Images for integration...

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In this passage from *Still Life with
Woodpecker,* Tom Robbins provides a hot tip you should keep in mind.
"There are essential and inessential insanities. Inessential insanities are a
brittle amalgamation of ambition, aggression, and pre-adolescent anxiety -
- garbage that should have been dumped long ago. Essential insanities
are those impulses one instinctively senses are virtuous and correct, even
though peers may regard them as coo-coo." I'll add this, Scorpio: Be
crazily wise and wisely crazy in the coming weeks. It will be healthy for
you. Honor the wild ideas that bring you joy and the odd desires that
remind you of your core truths.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I don't think you will need literal
medicine this week. Your physical vigor should be good. But I'm hoping
you will seek out some spirit medicine -- healing agents that fortify the
secret and subtle parts of your psyche. Where do you find spirit
medicine? Well, the search itself will provide the initial dose. Here are
some further ideas: Expose yourself to stirring art and music and films;
have conversations with empathic friends and the spirits of dead loved
ones; spend time in the presence of a natural wonder; fantasize about a
thrilling adventure you will have one day; and imagine who you want to be
three years from now.

Two Links...

Free Public Domain Images - compiled by Coby at dotgovwatch:

http://www.dotgovwatch.com/?/archives/8-The-Best-Copyright-Free-Photo-Libraries.html

Distressed look for use in Photoshop from Stuart at Vacord:

http://www.vacord.com/blog/?p=87

still here, still working

oh man, it's been a while.

but i've still been working on my "creative recovery" - have i ever - to great success.

being Art Coordinator on an indie feature film's got me busy right now. it's a good time, the people are great and i enjoy most aspects of my job.

we'll be vending at Trans Health and opening our P&D etsy shop shortly after!

other things in the works:

- glazing the downstairs apartment walls
- staining/hanging our screen door (to keep stray cats out and our cat in)
- shortening/hanging bedroom curtains
- fashioning some sort of diy movie screen with Sara Zia
- Twittering my heart out
- entering 'Seeking Strumpet' in festivals (it won Best Animation at Diamond Fest this year)
- making new friends
- seeing old friends
- growing things! namely: larkspur, gladiolas, sunflowers, and a wildflower assortment (snapdragons didn't work out again this year)
- watching birds enjoy our birdfeeder (including cardinals! who knew Nicetown had cardinals?)
- working on my short doc about Nicetown


and spending time with the girl and the pets, of course. we spent three weeks on a "staycation" in Wayne at her parents house.

2009, My Year

At least, it is for today.

In not so long, I'll be typing from the most beastly hulk around (okay, the most beastly hulk I can afford) - a Mac Pro (don't confuse that with a MacBook Pro, oh no) and a 20-inch ACD. And I hope to add another.

And then we'll see magic happen.

Eat Ice Cream, If You Feel Like It

I've started typing simple To Do lists in Word with a little table - one column for the Stuff, and one column for the response once I've done it. I print them and write notes once I've completed something. Today I put the sheets (two, so far) in a notebook, which is going to be my To Do Central for now.

I like the idea of being able to look back on what I put on my lists, and whether things got done or not, and have a record of where my life is going. My lists have included the mundane (milk, eggs, toilet paper) and the fantastic ("get rich quick"). On Thursday, my list included "Eat ice cream, if you feel like it." And I did. Check.

I'm pretty famous for making lists. I do it all the time. I buy little notepads and miniature notebooks just for my lists - I recently threw out a "Little Fatty" notebook that was entirely full of lists. And once they're expired, whether everything on them was done/gotten or not, I put a slash through the whole thing and start a new page. It's very satisfying.

Tomorrow, my list will include "Play the harmonica." Tess gave me a nice one for Christmas, along with a book and CD, and I played on Christmas Day until my mom said "Give it up already!" The only other time I played it, Tess informed me that she doesn't appreciate my noodling around (which I call learning), so I intend to play when she's out of the house and I can enjoy myself. I'll tell you what though, Gia seems to like the sound of the harmonica very much - her ears perk up if she's near and she listens intently, or she comes from wherever she is to see about the sound. It doesn't appear to torture HER.

Monkey Rolls

Monkey Rolls

4 tubes Buttermilk Biscuits
Cut each biscuit in 1/4
Shake in a bag of 1/2 cup sugar with 1 tsp. cinnamon

Melt 1/2 cup of sugar
+ 1/2 cup butter
+ 1/2 cup of Vanilla ice cream

Pour over biscuits
9x13 pan, bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes (?)
Turn over on wax paper

Creation Station

In the past week, I've been busy doing some more creating:

- I created an animated version of the evolution of my rabbit symbol for my Digital Animation class.

- I started a hat for Chelsea's new baby.

- I worked on an elaborate black ink design on parchment paper.

- I took photos of our neighborhood (with Tess) for our Philadelphia Neighborhoods class.

- I designed a flyer for Cooking Con Community as part of my internship at Asian Arts Initiative.

Tomorrow we are going to look for deeds to houses, and then for snow pants. For on Saturday we shall be going snowtubing with a bunch of gays. Later we will go to a performance of two 90210 episodes in drag.

So Much To Do, What Else Is New...

The new semester has started, and it's gonna be a good one.

Even though there are a BILLION things on my To Do list, I think the past week we've been home has gone pretty well. I feel less uptight, since our space is slowly coming together. And I've been well able to prioritize certain things because life isn't so frantic.

I have lots of meetings and socializing to do in the next week, which I'm enthusiastic about. I'm going to a Creative Professionals event, trying to set up my internship, getting involved in some sort of performance. And any number of other creative and crafty endeavors.

And hell yes, I got the Lew Klein Scholarship. So look at me go. That's called a SIGN, people.

Also, I now have all the necessary elements to complete my binding spell (the more complicated version) and intend to pull that off in the near future.

Take It As A Sign

The Bear and I have something big in the creative works. Big. It's a huge undertaking, but I think we can do it. It's a year-long plan, and it's gonna be tricky, but if we really sit down and make a plan it can happen. Expect an unveiling around January 1st...

In other news, last Friday I was walking across the street leaving Annenberg, and Tricia was driving the opposite way. She had to wait for me to finish crossing before she could drive on.

I take it as a sign.

Winter Work

I showed a movie at Asian Arts Initiative on Friday - it went over big despite being a work in progress.

I'm workin', workin'.

And I won't be stopped. Because I'm a good person doing good work.

PGW Flashback...

there's a PGW truck outside, it's engine is constantly running. i don't know what they're doing out there, but they've been on our street since 11am, alternately jackhammering and sitting in their truck watching movies on a tiny tv. (i spied from the downstairs window as credits were rolling on some movie.)

the constancy of the engine is sort of soothing, even though i'm concerned about the gas they're burning. and on edge about when they'll strike up the jackhammer again.

this isn't the first time PGW has been outside my house in the middle of the night. only last time i didn't find it at all soothing, and had a presentation the next morning - and no heat or hot water. i took pictures because i didn't think my professor would believe what had happened.

here i am, almost EXACTLY three years ago, at EXACTLY this time of night, going through the same thing. it's interesting to look back on...

"Annoyed at 2AM" November 3rd, 2005

CHEDDER DOG Days

Set a meeting with Justin Wineburgh today, and that's all I'll say about that on the interwebs.
Life is piece by piece becoming less stressful in certain areas.

Also had a flash of inspiration for a 52 Films idea...a movie for each week of the year. An ambitious project, but not impossible considering they're primarily meant to be between 30 seconds and 5 minutes. Still hashing out what type of endeavor that would be, whether it would be themed or random, what/who would be subjects. I just feel the need to work, create some new movies and get some exercise on that front.

In other news, I have a new phone - a Blackberry (or a Crackberry as it is popularly known). I really don't get it, and it is definitely a business person's phone. But I hope to have some time some day to poke around on the internets for applications and all that to make my phone more mine. For now, it takes some really rad photos, see here:

"CHEDDER DOG"...this sign was weirdly up the entire time we were pumping gas on our weekend trip to Rehoboth Beach...curious.

An Initiator Where The Grass Seems Greener...

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In the coming week, you can generate a lot
of good karma for yourself by being an initiator. That's why I advise you
to never sit back passively and merely watch what's unfolding, but rather
formulate a vision of what you'd like to see happen, set your intention to
make it happen, and then plunge into action with brisk aplomb. Halloween
costume suggestions: fire-starter, seed-planter, fertility god or goddess.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Medical insurance is out of reach for 46
million of my fellow Americans. Our country is at war in Afghanistan and
Iraq as well as with a ghostly omnipresent foe known as terrorism. Our
national debt is stupendous, our stock market has plunged, and many
companies once thought to be towers of strength have failed. Meanwhile,
right next door, Canada has universal healthcare and a budget surplus. Its
banks are solvent and it's embroiled in zero wars. Am I jealous? Of course.
Am I planning to emigrate? No. I'm going to stay here and keep agitating
for goodness and justice and beauty. After evaluating your astrological
omens, Sagittarius, I suggest that you do the equivalent in your own life:
Stand your ground as you work to fix the flawed situation you've been
given; don't flee to where the grass seems greener. Halloween costume
suggestions: an elder statesman, wise crone, or charismatic teacher.

Summon Your Dormant Courage

This month's horoscopes, also eerily spot on...

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): What do you tend to do when you're
squeezed between the demands of authority and the healthy need to
rebel? How do you respond when the past and future are at odds? What
resources do you draw on when the person you have always been starts
to evolve into an interesting new form that you don't recognize? You've
come to a fork in the road, Scorpio, when you will be asked to deal with
these questions on a larger scale than before. My advice? Study your past
so thoroughly that you'll be able to keep it from repeating itself, and open
your mind to possibilities you've rarely considered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The world is poised at the threshold of a
great choice: Should we stick with what has worked for us, even though
it's not working any more? Or should we experiment with possibilities that
may work for us in the future, even though they don't have a track
record? You, Sagittarius, can and should be a leader in this epic
adventure. The best way to do that is to summon your dormant courage
as you apply the big questions I just posed to the specific circumstances
of your personal life.

Rise Up and Cash In

Tess sent me these two horoscopes last month and I had meant to post them here (perfectly timed as they were). I'm on the cusp, if you're wondering. The highlights are hers ;)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Robert Downey Jr. is grateful to Burger King
for serving him such gross food. After eating a particularly foul meal there
in 2003, he told *Empire* magazine, he was so disgusted that he drove
to the beach and hurled all of his drugs into the sea. It was the shock he
needed to begin the process of kicking his addiction. In that spirit,
Scorpio, I suggest you seek out a similar epiphany -- whether that
involves an encounter with greasy, fried cow meat or some other
phenomenon that triggers your urge to rise up and purify yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It's a seller's market for you, Sagittarius.
If I were you, I wouldn't buy a bunch of new stuff or invest in unripe
possibilities. Rather, I'd cash in on the hard work I've been doing for many
months now. I'd quit while I was ahead. I'd liquefy assets that might soon
decline in their value to me but that are still at the height of their value to
other people. In order for you to summon the brisk confidence necessary
to pull this off, you'll have to resist greedy temptations to hold on to
everything a little while longer.

To The Third Floor Tenant:

There are no Thursday appointments for acupuncture! With anyone! :(

But there is trans group.

Gaby is laying across my arm, purring, and she JUST LICKED MY FACE. She's doing it again!






























This cat, I tell you.

I finished my midterm for The Creative Process in six hours today. It consisted of a two page treatment, two pages of casting concepts, a sixteen shot storyboard, a scan of the original note my crazy former neighbor left me, and a CD with "creepy, disturbing chanting choral music." I bet no one would've ever pegged Julie Andrews to fall under that category, but thanks to some podsafe music collection I found somewhere and someone called Qrter, we can all be even more creeped out by her sugary sweetness than we were before.


I will share with you...

i woke up.

about a week ago i dreamt that Tricia apologized to me.

i listened to the apology. it seemed heartfelt.

i kept my footage.

i woke up.

i'm pretty depressed. and feeling dead. i managed to wake up enough to paint walls yesterday (our orange is awesome).

can't even get it together enough to do any more shirts/projects for Outfest. i have a 3-5 page paper due tomorrow, and a midterm worth 40% of my grade due Tuesday, and a bunch of grants research I haven't done.

get me out.

Thanks, Everyone

i feel so amazed that people are being so supportive. it's great. i can't believe it.

thanks, people! you're awesome.

and i'm also really surprised at the amount of experience people have with all of this...good advice has come from some unlikely places. and likely ones too, because some people always seem to have good advice.

in other news, i should have Human Body shirts by THURSDAY!!! it's really amazing, and i'm so happy. Stuart at Vacord has made this the fastest turnaround i've ever had on screenprinting, especially for a small run. if it seems likely that the shirts will be *that* popular, i'll definitely go for a second run.

plus StickerGuy emailed and my first order of stickers should definitely be done in time for Outfest, and the second order is likely to get here in time! i have had nothing but good experiences with StickerGuy, and i totally recommend them.

Good Stuff Coming Up This Week

*exciting secret help meetings (where I get help in areas I need it)
*at least one trip to the gym or pool
*acupuncture
*trans group
*creative meeting of who-knows-what with Bapa
*satisfying painting projects
*possible laundry doing (fun when it's in your own house!!! Did I mention we bought a
portable washer?! SO EXCITING. We named it Astrid.)

And next week...GIA COMES BACK!!! I have missed my little dog soooo much. But I know my parents have been taking great care of her in Seattle, and I'm really happy that she loves the backyard and walks with my dad. My mom even said she'd keep her if it weren't for her fur! They've fallen for my little nutty pup.

NOT ONLY THAT, but she's coming with Sue! Sue will be staying with us for about five days, which is cool and I'm sure there will be all kinds of adventures and craftiness and fun.

It Began Early...

Sometimes I tell people this story to give them an idea of my long-running desire to be a unique individual and "do something different."

When I was in pre-school, we were given an assignment to draw modes of transportation on pieces of construction paper. While other people were drawing buses and planes and bicycles, I was furiously coloring in a thick black circle. When my mom came to pick me up that day and saw my drawing hanging next to all the others she asked, "What is it?"

"An inner tube."

Yeah, it doesn't really say much about my drawing skillz though... (If it helps my little working mind make any more sense, we had just been inner tubing down a river with family in Minnesota that summer. Transportation!)

And, I love Cloris Leachman on Dancing With The Stars. Also, having a converter box has drastically improved my TV viewing experience...

Doing Good For Myself

i'm workin' on it.

on friday, Tess and i went to acupuncture, which i am trying to do more regularly. i've been having some lower back pain, and also trouble sleeping due to all the stress.

today we went to the Temple gym. i lifted weights and worked out all the muscle groups for about an hour. i reeeally didn't feel like going (too depressed) but i made myself go hoping i'd feel better afterward, and i did a little. hope to go more regularly, maybe even swim or take a class.

on the way home, we hopped off the subway at Allegheny so i could pick up a prescription from RiteAid, and then we walked home from there. during the walk, it started raining. i tried to envision my problems as raindrops rolling off my body. it didn't work as well as other rituals i've done, but i did see my overdue weekly response paper melting and smearing inside one drop, and karl's face rolling off my "RESIST & STRUGGLE" tattoo in another on a hard fast path to the ground.

"Special Friend"

I wrote this letter when I was barely seventeen to the Human Resources department of the surf/skate chain I was working for. Reading it now, I can't believe I was that savvy at that age. I had been advised by an older friend about a few key words to use, but it is entirely my writing. I can certainly see my strategy laid out in the first sentence, and I knew that taking this step would result in action being taken. In fact, the day after this letter was faxed an HR representative was flown from California to Seattle and was in our store.

This copy (saved in a blog from 2004 when I was recovering some documents off my parent's old computer) seems to be unfinished and has notes at the bottom. I am also noting that any details specifically relating to her harassment of me specifically have been left out. I also left out that David was the Armored Transport guy - the guy who comes and takes the money from the store. I'm pretty sure I still didn't want to get her fired, and couldn't bear to try and hash out the details of that harassment to a complete stranger. I was just a kid. I was hurt and confused and embarrassed.

It took me a looong time to get up the nerve to take things to this official level, and looking back I wish I had had less sympathy for my harasser and that I had used the tools available to me when they were appropriate. I feel very similarly now in dealing with Karl and Tricia, with the same hesitancy to take it to an "official" level. The only thing giving me confidence is the assurance of a number of trustworthy, reliable friends and advisors that to do so would be appropriate, and my own feeling that this previous example should have been my lesson learned. They did not find me randomly through craigslist, they specifically contacted me professor-to-student to form this outside relationship which none of us should have engaged in in the first place. They were in positions of power over me, and have now shown themselves to be strategically exploiting my willingness, and indeed eagerness, to work with them on this outside project. I, however, am not devoid of rights in this situation. It seems necessary to act to protect those rights.

But I digress...

My basic concern is in preserving the feeling of a fun, customer-service oriented,
and above all, professional atmosphere in our store. I have been with this company for nearly one full year, and thoroughly enjoy my job; however, recently our store manager (Kat) has introduced ongoing issues which I believe are detracting from the store's atmosphere and employee morale. The two matters which I believe are most pressing are: inappropriate work behavior and retaliation. It is impossible for sales associates and assistant managers to continue functioning within the guidelines set by our company if we fear retaliation or do not have proper examples set.

Kat's inapropriate work behavior makes most workers uncomfortable. She freely
shares information regarding an extramarital affair with a person named David (who she generally refers to as her "special friend"), and makes no discrimination between sales associates or management when disclosing such information. Several employees with whom I associate with have specifically stated to me that they are uneasy with Kat's sharing; however, would never speak to her directly about it, for fear of retaliation. (i.e., cut hours, shifts at times or in zones they dislike, constant reprimand or disapproval). I personally have overheard several conversations between Kat and other employees, as well as some phone conversations, right on the selling floor. Kat is not at all a quiet person, and I have heard some of these conversations from the cash/wrap to the back of the store, with no effort at all on my part. It's perfectly conceivable that customers could easily have heard the same things that I did.

Some conversations I heard were sexually explicit in nature. They were not
generally directly explicit, but held clear and definite implications. I also answered five or six prank calls from Kat's "special friend", who admitted his name at the end of one. Alcohol was another common topic. Since there was only one other person of legal drinking age (Sarah, who recently left the company), it was not unusual for them to go out to bars and clubs together, and later discuss the events at work. It was at this point that I felt our store became somewhat of a personal crisis center. Kat came into or called the store on days off to talk to Sarah while Sarah was on the clock. Personal messages and phone calls were received on a daily basis, with no work relevence. She began coming into the store with David on their days off together (Mondays, everyone knows) and he was mistaken for her husband by a new person. At that point, I as a fellow sales associate, was put in a very awkward position. As a store, we all came to know more and more about David- what he drives, his girlfriend's name, where he lives, who exactly he works for,
when and how they meet, and more details than anyone is proud to know- for the most part we learned it on paid time. During this entire time, I am hearing more and more of our staff begin to say disrespectful things about Kat, and have been witnessing the general decline of respect for her as a manager as well. Nobody is sure of the correct action to take, and everyone is convinced that they will be retaliated against.

In regards to retaliation, Kat is difficult to work with because no one knows what to
expect. She can also be passive one moment, and aggressive the next. She expresses
coldness and dissatisfaction through nonverbal communication that includes glaring or frowning. If she's upset or angry for any reason, even if it's not with the employee
specifically, her tone of voice implies that she is. "What did I do?!" is a common question at Store 174. Employees have learned to avoid asking questions of her because she often looks at us as though we are absurd or acts impatient when she feels the answer is obvious or the question is invalid. In my opinion, we experience retaliation for trivial matters, or based on Kat's assumptions, on almost a daily basis. An example of petty retaliation would be to give an employee the "cold shoulder" for accidentally muddling a transaction, and asking for void permission. She'll help you, and sign the void slip, but you risk her great irritation for the rest of your shift.

discretion

We know his name, his girlfriend's name, where he works, what kind of car he drives
kind of speaking for most the rest of the staff as well, because no one else either understands what HR is or does, or is afraid to call.

David used to prank call the store

sometimes the store was empty, but
that sometimes there were customers around, and since Kat is not at all quiet...it's perfectly conceivable they could have heard her LOUD and clear. I made it obvious that Kat is not AT ALL quiet in anything she does, and I specifically pointed out that I can hear her from the cashwrap to the jean wall, and that I have also heard her right through the fitting room walls.

she distracted sales associates on the floor by discussing it with them, and that they secretly told me they NEVER wanted to know about it, and it made them uncomfortable. (Santi and Jenna.)

Sarah, that she was the only one old enough for Kat to drink legally with, so they always hung out. And that she'd call or come into the store crying and wanting to talk to Sarah, and actually took her off the floor for it.

Mondays are her and David's day off together


how it's effecting
> the staff ,morale, or her
> role as a manager.

He comes into the store and picks her up from work, they've come in shopping on their day off and she's hanging all over him like she's married to him. The new girl thought he was Mike.
What do we say to that?

"special friend"

The Angry Egg Project

In thinking about the goals/concept behind this blog, I realized I should include one of my first projects toward those goals. I called it The Angry Egg Project. Simple really - I wrote things I was angry about on eggs (rotten ones, no less) and then smashed them in an abandoned lot. Most of them were related to The Movie (as you can see from some of the descriptions below) because of course, that was the big thing affecting my life at the time. I was depressed to begin with, which led to not sleeping/eating/creating and feeling very harassed and devalued. I don't make art under stress or duress, and I wasn't happy to be pushed around. At the time, I really tried to conceptualize the breaking of the eggs as a way of putting some sort of cap on the anger.

I think in a way it worked, but it was really better as reflection. Eggs are actually aren't all that satisfying to break (unlike plates, plant pots, or any number of other things). And maybe I didn't feel so angry about some of the things any more, but they didn't stop bothering me of course, and I also still felt frustrated that there would be no recognition/resolution.

Here are some of the eggs:




About the captions:

• This Goddamn Movie: self-explanatory. I was so sick of it. I still am. I started hating it then.

• I had to get drunk to meet with my "Mentor": Yep it's true. Well, former mentor. See, after Tricia lashed out at me when I wouldn't agree to hunt down Nick Gorton to interview him for no reason, I was totally irritated and upset. Then in a brilliant passive-aggressive move, she tried to let me go to work when she knew no one would be there to let me in. I then had to go to school and meet her about designing the stupid Women's Studies website. I was still angry, and it promised to be an awkward experience all around, so I decided a little liquid courage might help. It worked out. She tried to derail the conversation several times into shaming me for not having gotten the site done sooner (hello! you're the boss! If your ass is really on the line, you'll make it happen or you'll find someone else, so clearly it was never really that much of a priority) but I blew right by and left the meeting with a plan and schedule. This drunken strategy didn't work so well for me the second time. And later I was pissed that I felt so cornered that I turned to alcohol. Things were not looking up for me at the time.

• All Your Bullshit: Aimed at a number of people trying my patience at the time.

• You, You Asshole: You must be able to guess who "you" was for me. But really, I feel any number of people should be able to look at "You, You Asshole" and "All Your Bullshit" and feel a sense of universality. Come on.

• Anyone Who Ever Hurt Anyone: You are mean.

• Depression: oh, overwhelming dark cloud.

M&M's, Gorky Park, Projects

Yesterday, Tess and I went to H&M and Gap Outlet and bought a few more shirts and some underwear to print on. I think I will mostly be using the discharge paste to remove color on these. But some of the lighter colored things I may do freezer paper stencils with acrylic paints.

Tonight, during my extra-long class with the extra-ancient professor I plan to work on Tess's red scarf so that it's ready for winter. I may also do another postcard.

I also have to write a 2-3 page project description for Fundraising, and all I've got is a vague idea of how I want to go back to India to find out if my romanticized recollections of the gay rights activism that summer of 2006 were true. But I'll have to whip it into something by tomorrow. I'm hoping to apply for the Lew Klein award for funds to actually pull off this project next semester.

At the moment, I'm eating M&M's and watching Gorky Park (since I left class early last week knowing I could Netflix it).

Just a few steps in creative directions...