still here, still working

oh man, it's been a while.

but i've still been working on my "creative recovery" - have i ever - to great success.

being Art Coordinator on an indie feature film's got me busy right now. it's a good time, the people are great and i enjoy most aspects of my job.

we'll be vending at Trans Health and opening our P&D etsy shop shortly after!

other things in the works:

- glazing the downstairs apartment walls
- staining/hanging our screen door (to keep stray cats out and our cat in)
- shortening/hanging bedroom curtains
- fashioning some sort of diy movie screen with Sara Zia
- Twittering my heart out
- entering 'Seeking Strumpet' in festivals (it won Best Animation at Diamond Fest this year)
- making new friends
- seeing old friends
- growing things! namely: larkspur, gladiolas, sunflowers, and a wildflower assortment (snapdragons didn't work out again this year)
- watching birds enjoy our birdfeeder (including cardinals! who knew Nicetown had cardinals?)
- working on my short doc about Nicetown


and spending time with the girl and the pets, of course. we spent three weeks on a "staycation" in Wayne at her parents house.

Eat Ice Cream, If You Feel Like It

I've started typing simple To Do lists in Word with a little table - one column for the Stuff, and one column for the response once I've done it. I print them and write notes once I've completed something. Today I put the sheets (two, so far) in a notebook, which is going to be my To Do Central for now.

I like the idea of being able to look back on what I put on my lists, and whether things got done or not, and have a record of where my life is going. My lists have included the mundane (milk, eggs, toilet paper) and the fantastic ("get rich quick"). On Thursday, my list included "Eat ice cream, if you feel like it." And I did. Check.

I'm pretty famous for making lists. I do it all the time. I buy little notepads and miniature notebooks just for my lists - I recently threw out a "Little Fatty" notebook that was entirely full of lists. And once they're expired, whether everything on them was done/gotten or not, I put a slash through the whole thing and start a new page. It's very satisfying.

Tomorrow, my list will include "Play the harmonica." Tess gave me a nice one for Christmas, along with a book and CD, and I played on Christmas Day until my mom said "Give it up already!" The only other time I played it, Tess informed me that she doesn't appreciate my noodling around (which I call learning), so I intend to play when she's out of the house and I can enjoy myself. I'll tell you what though, Gia seems to like the sound of the harmonica very much - her ears perk up if she's near and she listens intently, or she comes from wherever she is to see about the sound. It doesn't appear to torture HER.

Creation Station

In the past week, I've been busy doing some more creating:

- I created an animated version of the evolution of my rabbit symbol for my Digital Animation class.

- I started a hat for Chelsea's new baby.

- I worked on an elaborate black ink design on parchment paper.

- I took photos of our neighborhood (with Tess) for our Philadelphia Neighborhoods class.

- I designed a flyer for Cooking Con Community as part of my internship at Asian Arts Initiative.

Tomorrow we are going to look for deeds to houses, and then for snow pants. For on Saturday we shall be going snowtubing with a bunch of gays. Later we will go to a performance of two 90210 episodes in drag.

So Much To Do, What Else Is New...

The new semester has started, and it's gonna be a good one.

Even though there are a BILLION things on my To Do list, I think the past week we've been home has gone pretty well. I feel less uptight, since our space is slowly coming together. And I've been well able to prioritize certain things because life isn't so frantic.

I have lots of meetings and socializing to do in the next week, which I'm enthusiastic about. I'm going to a Creative Professionals event, trying to set up my internship, getting involved in some sort of performance. And any number of other creative and crafty endeavors.

And hell yes, I got the Lew Klein Scholarship. So look at me go. That's called a SIGN, people.

Also, I now have all the necessary elements to complete my binding spell (the more complicated version) and intend to pull that off in the near future.

Take It As A Sign

The Bear and I have something big in the creative works. Big. It's a huge undertaking, but I think we can do it. It's a year-long plan, and it's gonna be tricky, but if we really sit down and make a plan it can happen. Expect an unveiling around January 1st...

In other news, last Friday I was walking across the street leaving Annenberg, and Tricia was driving the opposite way. She had to wait for me to finish crossing before she could drive on.

I take it as a sign.

Winter Work

I showed a movie at Asian Arts Initiative on Friday - it went over big despite being a work in progress.

I'm workin', workin'.

And I won't be stopped. Because I'm a good person doing good work.

CHEDDER DOG Days

Set a meeting with Justin Wineburgh today, and that's all I'll say about that on the interwebs.
Life is piece by piece becoming less stressful in certain areas.

Also had a flash of inspiration for a 52 Films idea...a movie for each week of the year. An ambitious project, but not impossible considering they're primarily meant to be between 30 seconds and 5 minutes. Still hashing out what type of endeavor that would be, whether it would be themed or random, what/who would be subjects. I just feel the need to work, create some new movies and get some exercise on that front.

In other news, I have a new phone - a Blackberry (or a Crackberry as it is popularly known). I really don't get it, and it is definitely a business person's phone. But I hope to have some time some day to poke around on the internets for applications and all that to make my phone more mine. For now, it takes some really rad photos, see here:

"CHEDDER DOG"...this sign was weirdly up the entire time we were pumping gas on our weekend trip to Rehoboth Beach...curious.

Rise Up and Cash In

Tess sent me these two horoscopes last month and I had meant to post them here (perfectly timed as they were). I'm on the cusp, if you're wondering. The highlights are hers ;)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Robert Downey Jr. is grateful to Burger King
for serving him such gross food. After eating a particularly foul meal there
in 2003, he told *Empire* magazine, he was so disgusted that he drove
to the beach and hurled all of his drugs into the sea. It was the shock he
needed to begin the process of kicking his addiction. In that spirit,
Scorpio, I suggest you seek out a similar epiphany -- whether that
involves an encounter with greasy, fried cow meat or some other
phenomenon that triggers your urge to rise up and purify yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It's a seller's market for you, Sagittarius.
If I were you, I wouldn't buy a bunch of new stuff or invest in unripe
possibilities. Rather, I'd cash in on the hard work I've been doing for many
months now. I'd quit while I was ahead. I'd liquefy assets that might soon
decline in their value to me but that are still at the height of their value to
other people. In order for you to summon the brisk confidence necessary
to pull this off, you'll have to resist greedy temptations to hold on to
everything a little while longer.

Thanks, Everyone

i feel so amazed that people are being so supportive. it's great. i can't believe it.

thanks, people! you're awesome.

and i'm also really surprised at the amount of experience people have with all of this...good advice has come from some unlikely places. and likely ones too, because some people always seem to have good advice.

in other news, i should have Human Body shirts by THURSDAY!!! it's really amazing, and i'm so happy. Stuart at Vacord has made this the fastest turnaround i've ever had on screenprinting, especially for a small run. if it seems likely that the shirts will be *that* popular, i'll definitely go for a second run.

plus StickerGuy emailed and my first order of stickers should definitely be done in time for Outfest, and the second order is likely to get here in time! i have had nothing but good experiences with StickerGuy, and i totally recommend them.

The Angry Egg Project

In thinking about the goals/concept behind this blog, I realized I should include one of my first projects toward those goals. I called it The Angry Egg Project. Simple really - I wrote things I was angry about on eggs (rotten ones, no less) and then smashed them in an abandoned lot. Most of them were related to The Movie (as you can see from some of the descriptions below) because of course, that was the big thing affecting my life at the time. I was depressed to begin with, which led to not sleeping/eating/creating and feeling very harassed and devalued. I don't make art under stress or duress, and I wasn't happy to be pushed around. At the time, I really tried to conceptualize the breaking of the eggs as a way of putting some sort of cap on the anger.

I think in a way it worked, but it was really better as reflection. Eggs are actually aren't all that satisfying to break (unlike plates, plant pots, or any number of other things). And maybe I didn't feel so angry about some of the things any more, but they didn't stop bothering me of course, and I also still felt frustrated that there would be no recognition/resolution.

Here are some of the eggs:




About the captions:

• This Goddamn Movie: self-explanatory. I was so sick of it. I still am. I started hating it then.

• I had to get drunk to meet with my "Mentor": Yep it's true. Well, former mentor. See, after Tricia lashed out at me when I wouldn't agree to hunt down Nick Gorton to interview him for no reason, I was totally irritated and upset. Then in a brilliant passive-aggressive move, she tried to let me go to work when she knew no one would be there to let me in. I then had to go to school and meet her about designing the stupid Women's Studies website. I was still angry, and it promised to be an awkward experience all around, so I decided a little liquid courage might help. It worked out. She tried to derail the conversation several times into shaming me for not having gotten the site done sooner (hello! you're the boss! If your ass is really on the line, you'll make it happen or you'll find someone else, so clearly it was never really that much of a priority) but I blew right by and left the meeting with a plan and schedule. This drunken strategy didn't work so well for me the second time. And later I was pissed that I felt so cornered that I turned to alcohol. Things were not looking up for me at the time.

• All Your Bullshit: Aimed at a number of people trying my patience at the time.

• You, You Asshole: You must be able to guess who "you" was for me. But really, I feel any number of people should be able to look at "You, You Asshole" and "All Your Bullshit" and feel a sense of universality. Come on.

• Anyone Who Ever Hurt Anyone: You are mean.

• Depression: oh, overwhelming dark cloud.

M&M's, Gorky Park, Projects

Yesterday, Tess and I went to H&M and Gap Outlet and bought a few more shirts and some underwear to print on. I think I will mostly be using the discharge paste to remove color on these. But some of the lighter colored things I may do freezer paper stencils with acrylic paints.

Tonight, during my extra-long class with the extra-ancient professor I plan to work on Tess's red scarf so that it's ready for winter. I may also do another postcard.

I also have to write a 2-3 page project description for Fundraising, and all I've got is a vague idea of how I want to go back to India to find out if my romanticized recollections of the gay rights activism that summer of 2006 were true. But I'll have to whip it into something by tomorrow. I'm hoping to apply for the Lew Klein award for funds to actually pull off this project next semester.

At the moment, I'm eating M&M's and watching Gorky Park (since I left class early last week knowing I could Netflix it).

Just a few steps in creative directions...

Step One. Or Something.

I have recently undergone some pretty major changes in my life as a whole, and my creative life specifically (not that the two can really be separated). The death of a documentary, to which a great portion of my creative energy was devoted, and around which my academic schedule and coursework has been based for a year and a half. Also burned at the stake of the documentary: an intense academic and personal mentoring relationship/friendship. The tidal wave effect of this entire project continues to wash over different parts of my life, and having ended the project, it seems as though continuous waves bring regular mini-disasters, panics, or annoyances that I feel are really unhealthy for me creatively, mentally/emotionally, and even physically. I got out of the rip tide, but I can't get the sand off! And people, I am chafing.

Feeling really wounded and angered by the way in which the project devolved has got me stuck. I realized that I have been a very similar angry, vengeful, self-destructive state before when a former boss/mentor/friend mentally abused me and sexually harassed me. That feeling of being suckered, being duped, and being trapped makes me wanna lash out irrationally. Like a snake in a box being poked with a stick. And it seems like everybody's got a stick - even nice, well-meaning people who just want to help. Or worse, who I've reached out to for help.

I've been making huge efforts to take the "high road" (whatever-the-fuck-ever that is) but I feel like that's led to the bottling of my actual feelings. Regularly the cork pops off and the result is always a really messy, unhealthy shower of disgusting bitter goo. Yick. Honestly, right now I think the concept of the high road is bullshit, and some of our hoopties just can't make it up that hill...there must be a perfectly good mid-level road, I'm sure.

In any event, there is also a certain sense of excitement and freedom I feel. I can make movies again, and not be guilted for spending time on them. I can paint, draw, write, plan parties, decorate, knit, and whatever the hell else I want, and not be accused of mis-directing my energies (which is utter nonsense). I can design, make, sell. I can collaborate with people! I can make connections, and use them to advance my work and creative life! I can travel. I can work. I can work on me. I can spend creative time with my partner. I can function, at least to the extent that The Movie/state thereof will not be the source of can't-leave-the-house,-eat-or-sleep-or-shower-or-do-dishes DEPRESSION.

The Purpose of This Space:

• to recover my creative self
• to heal the spirit that informs my art
• vent residual or recurring anger and frustration ans a method of conceptually placing those emotions somewhere other than my mind
• to clear my mind for dwelling on the new, the good, the future, while retaining some of my anger for inspiration, motivation, or future reflection (I don't want to lose the valuable lessons I learned just because I don't want to think about it/can't deal with it right now)

I Want To:

• assign myself works (books, films, art, etc.) to study, or look at for inspiration
• assign myself projects to complete
• create goals around fundraising to accomplish those projects
• seek out creative opportunities (collaboration, workshops, events, etc.)
• continually evaluate progress of healing and creative goals
• assess/employ rituals I feel are necessary to heal and create
• make an honest attempt to advance creatively/professionally/personally, and track that progress