I have recently undergone some pretty major changes in my life as a whole, and my creative life specifically (not that the two can really be separated). The death of a documentary, to which a great portion of my creative energy was devoted, and around which my academic schedule and coursework has been based for a year and a half. Also burned at the stake of the documentary: an intense academic and personal mentoring relationship/friendship. The tidal wave effect of this entire project continues to wash over different parts of my life, and having ended the project, it seems as though continuous waves bring regular mini-disasters, panics, or annoyances that I feel are really unhealthy for me creatively, mentally/emotionally, and even physically. I got out of the rip tide, but I can't get the sand off! And people, I am chafing.
Feeling really wounded and angered by the way in which the project devolved has got me stuck. I realized that I have been a very similar angry, vengeful, self-destructive state before when a former boss/mentor/friend mentally abused me and sexually harassed me. That feeling of being suckered, being duped, and being trapped makes me wanna lash out irrationally. Like a snake in a box being poked with a stick. And it seems like everybody's got a stick - even nice, well-meaning people who just want to help. Or worse, who I've reached out to for help.
I've been making huge efforts to take the "high road" (whatever-the-fuck-ever that is) but I feel like that's led to the bottling of my actual feelings. Regularly the cork pops off and the result is always a really messy, unhealthy shower of disgusting bitter goo. Yick. Honestly, right now I think the concept of the high road is bullshit, and some of our hoopties just can't make it up that hill...there must be a perfectly good mid-level road, I'm sure.
In any event, there is also a certain sense of excitement and freedom I feel. I can make movies again, and not be guilted for spending time on them. I can paint, draw, write, plan parties, decorate, knit, and whatever the hell else I want, and not be accused of mis-directing my energies (which is utter nonsense). I can design, make, sell. I can collaborate with people! I can make connections, and use them to advance my work and creative life! I can travel. I can work. I can work on me. I can spend creative time with my partner. I can function, at least to the extent that The Movie/state thereof will not be the source of can't-leave-the-house,-eat-or-sleep-or-shower-or-do-dishes DEPRESSION.
The Purpose of This Space:- to recover my creative self
- to heal the spirit that informs my art
- vent residual or recurring anger and frustration ans a method of conceptually placing those emotions somewhere other than my mind
- to clear my mind for dwelling on the new, the good, the future, while retaining some of my anger for inspiration, motivation, or future reflection (I don't want to lose the valuable lessons I learned just because I don't want to think about it/can't deal with it right now)
I Want To:- assign myself works (books, films, art, etc.) to study, or look at for inspiration
- assign myself projects to complete
- create goals around fundraising to accomplish those projects
- seek out creative opportunities (collaboration, workshops, events, etc.)
- continually evaluate progress of healing and creative goals
- assess/employ rituals I feel are necessary to heal and create
- make an honest attempt to advance creatively/professionally/personally, and track that progress
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